Why bankers rule

In the past couple of days, much anger has arisen regarding bonuses paid to bankers on Wall Street or in the City of London among populist good-for-nothing welfare-state leeches like poor people and the uber-liberal-Sarah-Palin-hating "mainstream media" who, in between their worship of Barack Obama's statuette, find it so easy to bash anyone or anything that has a connection to financial services!

In an unusual effort to quell these outrageous attempts by all those pesky median-income or minimum-wage earners out there who can't get enough of taking a free ride off the hard work of rich people (all of whom got rich only by the virtues of hard work), the elastic thinker has decided to produce a list of 8 reasons why there is no problem paying out massive bonuses to bankers during an economic crisis that has produced unemployment of 9.5% (and rising):

1. Contrary to public opinion, bankers are actually the smartest people in the world. Unlike the money you earn, theirs requires $60,000/year MBAs, which means they're really, really smart. They actually earn their money, 'cause they figure out how to make money using other people's money.

2. Bankers work harder than you do. What? You want a bonus during a recession? Mortgage tough to pay? Well, bud, you shouldn't have bought that house. If you were smart enough to read that 10-K filing or actually turn on that Bloomberg terminal you have at home, you would've seen all this coming. What's that you say? You don't have a Bloomberg terminal? You snooze, you lose.

Again, that's why they get paid more than you, because they are actually smarter! Don't you know economics? Skill and its scarcity in the labor market are rewarded largely through compensation. That's why you make less, because you just couldn't make the cut.

3. Had Goldman Sachs and all the other God-affiliated institutions didn't pay bonuses, they couldn't attract such amazing talent! If they didn't pay bonuses, some other bank would find a few million to throw at them. That would risk a massive brain drain.

4. Bankers are prophets and decipherers of mysterious information that normal people simply are too incompetent to understand. I mean, come on, this is why one day the markets jump and the dollar gets stronger, and the next day the opposite happens based on new information. Let's leave figuring all that out to the bankers. They know best.

5. If it weren't for bankers, we would not have the movie "Wall Street," the actress Darryl Hannah, or the name Gordon Gecko in our vocabularies.

6. Bankers have more culture than you. They drive better cars, eat better food, wear better clothes, use BlackBerrys and go to better gyms than you. Not only that, they don't have to sit with the commoners at sporting events. They can get their caesar salad, Chardonnay and chicken fingers with dijon mustard dipping sauce in an air-conditioned box while you stand in line for 15 minutes to get your aluminum-foil-wrapped hot dog. Remember, perks like this are necessary to keep bankers happy. They are very busy people and need to relax every now and then to blow off some steam. Strip clubs help, too.

7. Bankers represent what the American economy's future is all about. Who needs to make useless widgets when you make knowledge?? It's the knowledge economy, baby!

8. Bankers are the backbone of America, generally speaking. When national challenges arise, they are the first to go to war ('we rate Halliburton a strong BUY'), show their patriotism (speculating on foreign currencies), and campaign for a cause ($240 million in lobby spending in election year '08!)!